Expectations, expectations, expectations! We are surrounded by them. Expectations can be set by someone else for us, or we can set expectations for ourselves. At times, our expectations can be multilayered and confusing. At other times, they can conflict with each other.
From each of our different roles, we inherit a different set of expectations. As a daughter, my parents have set expectations for me to meet. As a student, the school has expectations for me to meet, or I do not pass a class or earn a degree. As a woman, society has certain expectations for how I should dress, behave, and even weigh. When I drive my car, the state where I live and other drivers have expectations of how I should drive.
If you’re leading a library in the present moment as we seek to reckon with AI on our college campuses and meet public challenges to our mission of providing access to information, you know this feeling especially well. With all these expectations surrounding us, it is no wonder we can be confused about them at times, burdened by them at other times, but especially during times of transition.
The Hidden Cost of Unmet Expectations
Expectations are what you or others think should happen. When what we think did not happen, or we disappoint someone by not meeting their expectations, we can adjust our expectations. Adjusting expectations means closing the gap between what you or others think should happen and what is actually happening.
During transitions, adjusting your expectations helps lower stress and gives you the mental space to adapt. Times of transition are difficult to navigate, and not adjusting your expectations can lead to burnout and exhaustion. Our bodies are not built to function well during times of high stress without some adjustments.
Some common signs it is time to shift your expectations during transition:
- Chronic frustration – feeling constantly let down by people, timelines, or outcomes
- Burnout – pushing harder to meet an unrealistic expectation until you run out of energy
- Avoidance – putting off tasks because the pressure to do them perfectly is too high
If you are experiencing some of these signs, consider whether it might be time to adjust your expectations during the transition.
What Bridges’ Transition Model Teaches Us
One of the best books I have used to adjust my expectations when moving through a transition is William Bridges’ Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes. Bridges discusses the psychological process people experience when external change happens.
Change is what is happening outside of you—such as starting a new job, moving to a new home, or sending a child to college. While change is external and situational, Bridges’ model discusses how we as humans process change. In other words, transition is the process we go through to come to terms with the change.
According to Bridges, people move through three stages during transition:
- Loss or endings. Due to the change, we must be willing to let go of things as they were. The new job is different from the old job; the new house sounds different; the house is quieter and my schedule is freer once a child is at college. Every change begins with letting go.
- The neutral zone. This is the space in between letting go of the past and not having established new patterns or rhythms. In the neutral zone, things feel odd, weird, or different. There’s no timeline for how long you will spend here, and at times, you can move back and forth between loss and the neutral zone.
- New beginnings. Here, things start to feel normal or firmer. Routines are set, patterns emerge, and you are accepting the transition. You can bounce between all three stages depending on the change, or number of changes you are going through.
If these stages sound familiar, that is because they are similar to the stages of grief. While going through transitions, adjusting expectations is necessary—or you can find yourself facing exhaustion, chronic frustration, and burnout.
Small Shifts That Make Room to Adapt
Taking steps to adjust expectations is necessary to help you mentally, physically, and emotionally—especially during transitions. Remember to give yourself grace as you do this; the new normal does not happen overnight. Patterns take time to build. Expect to feel overwhelmed or tired at times, even during positive changes, because stress is normal. Aim for steady progress instead of flawless results every day.
Here are a few places to start:
- Acknowledge the gap. The gap is the neutral zone—things are lost and the new normal has not happened yet. Notice how your current expectations clash with the new reality.
- Redefine success. Instead of trying to adjust everything at once, swap rigid rules for small, flexible goals that fit your current energy level.
- Practice self-compassion. We often give grace and kindness to others but forget to offer the same to ourselves. Transitions are hard and we are human.
- Separate what you can control from what you must accept. You can change your morning routine when getting a child ready for school—that’s within your control. Focus your energy there.
- Watch for “should.” “Should” is often tangled up with guilt: “You should have already accepted the change of the new job.” Notice where a “should” comes from. You’re allowed to say no to a “should” from others or yourself if it does not feel right or makes you feel guilty.
- Shrink your timelines. Adjusting expectations is hard work, and hard work takes energy. Evaluate your progress by days or weeks, not months or years. Transitions have a way of making time feel like it’s moving at a different pace, and you do not want to set yourself up to feel like you’ve failed.
- Accept “good enough.” Since transitions take energy, you can’t keep the same performance level for all things. Lowering the bar to “good enough” for non-essentials frees up time and energy for what matters the most right now.
“I Don’t Have Time to Slow Down Right Now”
If you’re in the middle of a library system migration, a staffing change, or saying goodbye to a colleague who’s been there for twenty years, this might all sound like one more thing on an already-full plate. “I’m buried in layers of transition—how am I supposed to make space for this kind of reflection? I barely have enough energy to keep the library moving forward, let alone shift how I think about it.”
That reaction makes sense, and it doesn’t mean this isn’t for you. Adjusting your expectations isn’t a new task added on top of everything else—it’s what makes room for everything else. Going back to “good enough” and “small, flexible goals,” suggested as small shifts: you don’t need a retreat or a free weekend to do this work. You need one expectation, loosened, this week. That’s it. The relief that comes from letting go of just one “should” often creates more energy than it costs.
Give Yourself the Grace You’d Give Others
Expectations will always be around us—some we place on ourselves; some others place on us. When approaching a transition, take a moment to breathe and adjust your expectations. As you move through it, remember to take it slow and move at your own pace.
Join the Conversation
If this resonates, you don’t have to sit with it alone. On September 22, I am facilitating Expectations in Flux: An Open Table Conversation—a discussion exploring what happens to our expectations when we’re in the thick of transition and how loosening our grip on “how things used to work” can help us move through disorientation instead of getting stuck in it. We’ll draw on the Bridges Transition Model discussed in this article.
No pressure to have it figured out. Just come ready to sit with the chaos a little, together.
The Open Table conversation is free and open to all members of the Fosgail Community—including the free Open Membership tier, which only requires an email to join.