Last week I invited you to sit with one of your goals and evaluate, without judgment, where it stands today.
I’m guessing that wasn’t easy. It’s not easy for me.
First, it’s the practice of sitting with something. Just sitting with it. Not doing, just sitting. Noticing. It’s hard not to feel fidgety, or suspicious that the notice will turn into scrutiny.
Then, it’s the challenge of resisting judgment. Focusing on the places where progress toward the goal has lagged or stalled. Or maybe you perceive that where you are now is no longer on the same path to where your goal is. As hard as we may try to be non-judgmental, often the words we use to describe these kinds of observations are laced with hidden messages of harsh judgment: off track, fallen behind, missed the mark, insufficient progress.
It’s so hard to resist the undercurrent of failure.
And when we do succumb to thinking that’s rooted in a negative judgment on the current state of our goals, it’s hard to see anything else but failure.
The Helpfulness of Another Perspective
I am prone to getting stuck in thought loops to the point that I have also developed some pretty sophisticated avoidance patterns to escape them. The problem with that, however, is that escaping them doesn’t resolve the negative thoughts that started the loop in the first place.
What can potentially resolve these thoughts and feelings of failure, inadequacy, and doubt is bringing them into the open, shining a light on them and examining them with curiosity. It’s a confrontation that takes strength and courage. And it’s often something that we can do only when we have the advantage of a perspective other than our own.
Getting that other perspective? That often means inviting someone else to our thought party.
Inviting someone else in isn’t easy, but it can be extremely rewarding. Over the past few months, I’ve had the pleasure of reconnecting with a coaching colleague who was in the same training course as me, and we’ve been exchanging peer coaching as a way to keep our skills sharp.
Bringing my doubts, frustrations, and feelings of inadequacy into the coaching space has helped me to recognize what is actually there and what has been distorted by my negative thoughts. Talking through the goals I’ve set, and the stumbling blocks I perceive with a coach I trust has given me a fresh perspective. What emerges is a new way of understanding where I am, where I want to be headed, and what I expect of myself on the way to getting there.
This coaching space, combined with therapy, spiritual direction, mentors, and advisors, helps me to evaluate without judgment, remain curious, and adjust my expectations for myself and my goals toward compassionate encouragement. A kind, supportive challenge. Still holding myself accountable, yet not berating myself when things don’t happen on the timeline I originally set or when the outcome doesn’t reach the original expectation.
Find Your People
When doing this work, all the work of setting goals and examining what’s going on as we try to get there, it’s important to gather a network of support. We’ve got to find our people.
When I think about finding our people, I imagine an epic quest filled with trials, adventure, and challenge. Through it all we learn who we can count on, what strengths we each bring to the quest, and how each person contributes to the team. By the end, we have a deep trust forged through the experience and confidence that we’ve found someone who’s got our back.
In real life, finding our people is more nuanced but still rooted in trust and understanding. It’s also people, plural. Our people is actually a team we build of trusted advisors, confidants, friends, mentors, cheerleaders, and coaches. As independent, self-sufficient, and resourceful mavens of information, we still need our people to help us see what’s in our blind spots.
Who are your people? Is there someone you can count on to challenge you to see things from a different perspective? To encourage you and hold you accountable in ways that are compassionate and compelling?
My people include my spouse and family, my friends, Fosgail’s advisory board, my Fosgail colleagues, my spiritual director, my therapist, my coach supervisor, and the peer coach I mentioned earlier. If you’re missing a coach as part of your team of people, I’d love to have a conversation.
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As I was drafting this newsletter, the song “Find Your People” by Drew Holcomb & The Neighbors started playing on my AI-mixed playlist. It immediately resonated with me and I offer it in parting as hopeful encouragement for you.